Boundaries: A Tool for Self-Love
Original article published by Tan Wen Xuan on July 18, 2023
Does it feel wrong to say no to your family, employers and friends? Perhaps it’s because you feel guilty when they accuse you of being selfish. However, understanding the importance of boundaries helps us develop healthier relationships with our families, friends and loved ones. Setting boundaries isn’t about being selfish. In fact, it’s about exercising self-care and mutual respect. But how do we find the courage to say no?
Before we get into the specifics of boundary setting, let’s first understand what boundaries are about. Boundaries involves the practice of openly expressing and defending one’s beliefs to avoid compromising them. By communicating our needs and preferences to our loved ones, boundaries allow us to exercise self-care and protect ourselves emotionally. Although we should care for our loved ones, it is also important to maintain a healthy emotional state in order to provide genuine support and avoid resentment in relationships. As such, setting boundaries helps us to make decisions that align with our values, enabling us to be happier and more respectful of one another.
Benefits of Setting Boundaries
Firstly, setting boundaries allows us to live healthier lifestyles by better understanding our needs and wants. This helps us to lead more balanced lives by preventing others from disrespecting our comfort levels. Self-care, much like the rule of putting on your own oxygen mask before helping others, allows us to take better care of our loved ones without sacrificing our wellbeing, which can breed resentment.
In 1996, American actor Matthew McConaughey refused to talk to his mother, Kay, for 8 years after she had shown American tabloid journalists his childhood room and shared private stories. However, McConaughey’s decision to express his displeasure with Kay’s actions enabled her to understand his preference for privacy, leading to their reconciliation in 2004. Hence, sharing our preferences with others encourages us to take responsibility for our lives and improve our emotional wellbeing.
Setting boundaries also improves our relationships with our loved ones by allowing for more open communication. If we communicate our limits and preferences with our loved ones, we will get to know each other better and accept each other for who we truly are.
When American actor Dax Shepard expressed his dissatisfaction with his wife, Kristen Bell, for walking out during their arguments, their relationship improved when Bell acknowledged her unhealthy behaviour and decided to change her ways. Therefore, taking each other’s perspectives into consideration promotes mutual respect and care, which strengthens relationships in the long run.
Challenges in Setting Boundaries
However, setting boundaries with our loved ones, close friends, and even our employers and coworkers can be difficult because we want to feel accepted in our families, cliques and communities. In collective societies such as Singapore, communal needs take precedence over individual desires, creating the expectation that everyone should compromise on their individual preferences to meet societal needs. As a result, people who set personal boundaries may be seen as selfish and be isolated from the community.
Furthermore, people’s desire to avoid conflicts may discourage them from resolving conflicts that arise from setting boundaries. Due to their unfamiliarity with boundaries, family members and friends may feel disappointed with their loved ones for failing to meet their expectations, leading people to doubt their actions when confronted with conflicts. Thus, many people will conform to their loved ones’ demands in order to maintain harmonious relationships with them.
Strategies in Setting Boundaries
Although setting boundaries for the first time can be intimidating, we can take baby steps to become acquainted with the process of protecting our emotional needs while caring for others.
Firstly, practise self-awareness. Practising self-awareness is an important skill for establishing and maintaining boundaries. This is because self-awareness refers to the process of focusing on oneself and realising how one’s thoughts and emotions influence one’s personal principles. By understanding our personal beliefs, desires, strengths and weaknesses, we can assert agency by utilising our strengths and mitigating our weaknesses to pursue our dreams. Moreover, knowing more about ourselves enables us to look at situations from multiple perspectives. This encourages us to empathise and respect people with differing views, allowing us to improve our relationships with them.
Secondly, we can learn to handle relationship conflicts more effectively by accepting that they are unavoidable as people often have different perspectives on a situation. While it may be tempting to avoid expressing your displeasure with your loved ones, remember that burying your dissatisfaction will only worsen your relationships by preventing you from expressing your honest feelings to them. According to a study conducted by Swiss medical specialist Claudia M. Elsig, suppressing your emotions can make you more aggressive and cause mental health issues such as depression. As such, engaging in open and honest communication allows all parties to express their needs and limitations, which foster mutual understanding, compromise and authenticity in order to sustain the relationship.
As most of us are used to prioritising other people over ourselves, we may be uncomfortable with setting boundaries in our relationships. However, respecting personal boundaries is crucial for self-care and nurturing healthy relationships with others. As American author Marianne Williamson wisely said, “No one will listen to us until we listen to ourselves.” So, let us practise self-care and respect one another’spreferences in order to build genuine and fulfilling relationships in our lives.
